I KNEW YOU'D BE SURPRISED! BUT FIRST... THE NEWS Is anybody out there really all that surprised by the fact that the NSA -- with the full cooperation of AT&T, Verizon, BellSouth, etc. -- has been clandestinely recording and storing the phone call records of tens of millions of Americans? I mean, seriously. If the government is going to hand over the Internets to these guys, they have to know in advance that they're willing to play ball, don't they? It's a no-brainer. And speaking of anybody being surprised by anything anymore, is anybody out there really surprised by the fact that, after Senator John McCain (R-Az) succeeded in passing legislation establishing the Army Field Manual as the standard for how enemy fighters should be treated by American soldiers, the Pengaton has now decided to re-write the thing so that it basically permits torture? Nah... didn't think so. And speaking of the NSA, let me see if I've got this straight. The Justice Department is calling a halt to their investigation of the NSA's illegal warrantless eavesdropping program because the NSA is refusing to allow Justice Department lawyers to examine the evidence, because it might compromise (wait for it) "national security". Yeah... that makes sense. Here's a puzzler for ya... When picking sides in the internal conflicts of failed states like Somalia, is it even possible to choose wisely? No matter how shitty yer old pal Jerky's personal life gets, stories about Ann "Thrax" Coulter being in serious legal jeopardy always manage to put a smile on his face. I hope it can do the same for y'all, as well. *** **** *** Yer Old Pal Jerky's Words of Wisdom #316: If I ever start up a death-metal goth band, I'm going to call it Crib Full of Shit, just to be an asshole. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY May 5 On this day in 1862, Mexican troops led by General Ignacio Zaragoza halt an attempted invasion of Puebla by the French. For some reason, Hispanic people still celebrate this victory, which they refer to as Cinco de Mayo. On this day in 1925, biology teacher John Scopes is arrested for teaching evolutionary theory to his students in Dayton, Tennessee. This leads to the Scopes Monkey Trial, widely considered one of the most controversial and impactful judicial exhibitions (if not decisions) of the 20th century. What few people know is that the whole thing was a set-up from the get-go. The videogame Wolfenstein 3D, the first-ever "first-person shooter", is released on this day in 1992, leading inexorably to all kinds of craziness. Remember that idiotic American punk who got his ass caned for vandalizing a couple cars in Singapore? Well, that kid's name was Michael P. Fay, and his ass got caned on this day in 1994. Jesus Fucking Naiholes... that was 12 years ago! Sniff... where does the time go? May 6 On this day in 1997, Michael Jackson and the Bee Gees are inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, a colosal blunder that throws the legitimacy of the whole damn operation into question. On this day in 1994, comedian Bobcat Goldthwait sets fire to the couch on the Tonight Show set. Sadly, host Jay Leno emerges from the conflagration without so much as a blister. May 7 On this day in the year 1824 Beethoven's magnificent 9th (and final finished) Symphony is performed for first time in front of an audience. Fortunately, no incidents of ultraviolence were reported at this concert, and a good time was had by all. On this day in 1915, more than 2000 men, women and children are on board the great ship Lusitania, heading for England. Unfortunately, so is a cargo of American ammunition meant to be used by the Brits against Germany. A German U-boat torpedoes the ship, snuffing 1,198 civilian lives. On this day in 1987, Shelly Long makes her final appearance on the hit sitcom Cheers. Since that fateful day, Miss Long has generously provided grist for the comedy mill by pathetically attempting to claw her way back into the celebrity limelight. Way to rage against the dying of the light, there, Shelly! On this day in 1999, the British Antarctic Survey reports that the sky 'fell' by no less than five miles over the preceding forty year period, as the upper limit of the ionosphere -- beyond which lies the vacuum of space -- collapsed from 190 to 185 miles altitude. Researchers at the time pointed to this startling phenomenon as "an important environmental warning sign," but yer old pal Jerky hasn't heard any more about it since the report was released. What gives?!

THEY SAID IT! "Stunningly enough, classical social theory, whether Marx, Weber, or even Cold War modernization theory, none of it anticipated what's happened to the city over the last 30 or 40 years. None of it anticipated the emergence of a huge class, mainly of the young, who live in cities, have no formal connection with the world economy, and no chance of ever having such a connection." - TomDispatch conducts a disturbing intervew with Planet of Slums author Mike Davis. *** **** *** "This tax bill shows the administration's true colors, and only the very wealthy are going to see green." - Senator Charles E. Schumer (R-NY) makes with the funny about something that isn't really all that funny.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Dave on Dope! Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think." One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought... but you are wrong." Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought... but you are wrong." So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" The old man said: "I thought it was GAS... but I was wrong." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Towjam for sending in today's second joke. Q: How many men does it take to open a beer? A: None. It should be opened when she brings it. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Baddash... The local funeral director in a small town rented a horse-drawn hearse for a Family Funeral. All the local newspaper reporters were on hand to report the Big Event. Unfortunately the horse was spooked by a backfiring Pickup truck and bolted, breaking free from it's restraints. The funeral went on uninterrupted, as the coffin was still intact. In the next day's news the headline read "Funeral goes off without a Hitch!"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: PRUNING THE SHRUB OF STATE care of: An Old Marine Jerky; Many hugs and kisses for you, old pal. PERPLEXED tells us that we can’t reduce the threat of tyranny by focusing on one single branch (The Daily Dirt, 4/13/06). If he is referring to one branch of our tripartite system, he is absolutely right. Republicans now control all three branches of our federal government, which is in the worst state of disarray I have witnessed in my 44-plus years as an American citizen. Being anti-Republican today is the logical sentiment for any American who loves his/her country. Our federal government has been hijacked by very powerful parasites. Clinton very well may have been a puppet President. There is no doubt that he was/is a bit of a tomcat, but his administration was competent, and at least had the appearance that it worked to serve the common good of all Americans. On a side note, I wonder how many suicides have occurred during George the Usurper’s reign? Hunter S. Thompson comes to mind. He probably couldn’t abide the thought of re-living the Nixon era. And Gore definitely has his shortcomings. But at least he was elected in 2000, a claim the Usurper will never be able to make. Focusing on one branch of Perplexed’s metaphorical tree whilst pointing accusatory fingers may really be misguided and blinded to TPTB’s subterfuge. But it is natural to stare and point and yell when one sees criminals performing criminal acts. While Democrats bear responsibility due to their duplicitous inaction, Republicans, and those they embrace and who embrace them, are the ones who have derailed our federal government off the course of public service since 1994. Republicans, enabled by Gigantic Media Moguls, have pulled the greatest “bait and switch” con the world has ever seen. Even if there was no Terrible Scheme in place designed to hijack the federal government with the 9/11 attacks, the federal government has still been hijacked by a herd of chimps who call themselves Republicans. They have wiped their asses with the Bill of Rights. They have screwed the Masses for their own personal gain. They have abandoned almost every American while serving their own selfish and greedy interests. And they have sent young American men and women off to die in foreign lands for a False Cause. Republican motives may be pure, and they may genuinely feel that their work has been good and will bear good fruit for the Public in coming years. But the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Republicans have turned this road into an autobahn, complete with its own high-speed lane. There is an impending and inevitable crash over the Right Wing’s horizon. When it finally happens, it will truly be spectacular. And there is small hope that it can be avoided. But the way to minimize the damage takes us back to Perplexed’s tree metaphor. There is a poplar tree in my front yard that became infested with parasites. To save the tree, I had to treat the affected areas and prune off diseased branches. This radical solution put off about two years worth of growth on this young tree, but it otherwise would have been lost entirely. Since I performed surgery on this poplar, it has rebounded, and it continues to grow and flourish. I, for one, feel that we need to prune off the pack of nefarious Republican bastards who have hijacked Red State America so that this tree we call America can be rid of its parasites. And that’s MY view from the cheap seats. An Old Marine Smyrna TN FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MOP Jerky, Here's another dirtFan Movie Watch, enjoy, smoke some weed, jerk off, take a nap, wake up, enjoy some Cheetos, remember to wash your hands, enjoy some more Cheetos. That's what I did. - YOP Sherm [Very funny! And congratulations on getting a cute girl to play along. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; This is for you. David [Awww... that's sweet. It'd be better if you were a chick, but I'll take it. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, why don't you take a stab at re-writing the US Constitution? You know, how Neo-Cons would like it to read. "We the Powers That Be, in order to have a more perfect profit, establish control, insure slavish devotion or defeatest apathy, ..." You'd rock, dude! Best, David In Denmark [Someone's beat me to it. They call it the "neoconstitution". - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky; Surely some kind-hearted woman out there will help this poor fucker with his problem? Dave on Dope [Fuck, I'll do it. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; It was so hot today I was sweating like a Kennedy trying to get car insurance. Trembly Dale [Your mom goes to college. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hi Old Pal! Your wasabi episode was a sign of mere foolishness or bravado. But this is sheer stupidity... yop Sklag [Indeed. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ -- J. Fame's "Thermite Shermite" rant brought back to mind something which has always bothered me about the collapse of the towers. I haven't been able to confirm this, but I seem to recall that at least once in the last 20 years jet fuel was reformulated to burn out quickly to reduce injuries in case of an accident. Even if my memory is faulty, it would seem to me that much of the fuel would be consumed in the huge fireballs you see on impact. So how could there be enough jet fuel to burn long enough & at a high enough temperature to compromise a structure whose major supports were part of an inner core, not the exterior? YOPJack [Read this. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com