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ON THESE DAYS!
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June 17
On this day in 1885, the French steamer Isere arrives in New York with an impressive cargo: the Statue of Liberty.
On this day in 1963, the Supreme Court renders one of its most intelligent, well thought-out decisions when it decrees that forced prayer and bible classes have no place in the public education system.
On this day in 1972, five men are arrested after breaking into the Democratic National Headquarters in the Watergate building, on President Nixon's orders.
On this day in 1994, the world watches on CNN as O.J. Simpson leads the LAPD on the most infamous police chase in history. Yes, that's right... next year will be the TENTH ANNIVERSARY of Bloody Orenthal's abortive "excape" attempt. Can you fucking BELIEVE that shit?! Where does the time go?
PS - Help yer old pal Jerky get this meme started. Call O.J. "Bloody Orenthal" from now on!
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THEY SAID IT!
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"The administration wasn't matching its deeds to its words in the war on terrorism. They're making us less secure, not more secure. As an insider, I saw the things that weren't being done. And the longer I sat and watched, the more concerned I became, until I got up and walked out."
- Rand Beers, former high-ranking National Security Council "special assistant to the president for combating terrorism" - trusted advisor to Presidents Reagan, Bush I, and Clinton - on why he quit his job in disgust, then joined up with presidential candidate Senator John Kerry's team. Folks... the crazy shit this guy has been privvy to... his defection is fuckin' HUGE.
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"It's a very closed, small, controlled group. This is an administration that determines what it thinks and then sets about to prove it. There's almost a religious kind of certainty. There's no curiosity about opposing points of view. It's very scary. There's kind of a ghost agenda."
- The above quote - which sent a chill down yer old pal Jerky's spine - is from the same Washington Post story, only from Rand's wife Bonnie, this time. Ghost agenda?! What the fuck is she talking about?! Yer old pal Jerky's got way too active an imagination to let that dog lie.
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JOKES!
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Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Troublewater...
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and today you expect me to show it to you!"
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Thanks to our old pal Bill Jones for sending in today's second joke.
It was the first day of the school year and the shop teacher was surprised to see a young lady sitting in the front row of the classroom. Her name was Jill and she was the only girl to sign-up for the woodwork shop class that term. The shop teacher asked her if she was sure she was in the right class, and Jill assured him that she was.
The teacher then said, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?"
"What exactly do you mean?" replied Jill.
"Well, what's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop teacher asked.
Jill pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
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WORST JOKE OF THE DAY
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Tom Sethack sent in today's worst joke.
Q. whats blue and doesnt fit?
A. a dead epeleptic.
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ASK JERKY!
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Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page:
Dear Jerky, One question -- do you have to use so much profanity? It is a turnoff and detracts from your message. I am obviously reading your site, but it is offensive and deters some people from your message. Bet you can't do one day without swearing. Signed: Multiman
Dear Multiman; In case you haven't noticed, we're living in a profane world. And in a profane world, profanity is no cause to take offense. On the other hand, prayer in such a world is nothing less than cruel, ironic mockery, regardless of the sincerity of the supplicant.
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My good friend Jerky; It's come to my attention that Tim Burton wants to do a remake of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Presumably a version where Willy has scissors for hands. My question is: while Hollywood is making SHITTIER films at a pace that is entirely 2 fast and 2 furious, can you think of a more fucked up idea than the guy who ruined Batman pissing on Willy Wonka? Signed: C. Taylor
Dear CT; Of course I can think of a more fucked up idea than the guy who ruined Batman pissing on Willy Wonka! I don't want to go to jail, though, so those fucked up, reptilian ideas of mine are going to have to remain locked up in my basal ganglia for a little while longer, undiferentiated squirts and sparks squishing around in search of more socially-acceptable outlets... at least until the stars are right, at which point, even death may die.
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MOPJ! Question for ya: Now that we got permanent victory in Iraq, and we're back to being yellow (Terror-Alert-color-wise), have you heard whether the Bill of Rights is again in effect? Don't get me wrong -- I support my country, and troops, and leaders in times of war, so I'm not talkin' government criticism, of course! I was more wondering if it's OK to take down a few of the U.S. flags from my truck. The drag's KILLING my gas mileage. Thanks! Yer pal, CapMidnight
Dear Citizen; You are, of course, free to remove any and all flags from your vehicle if you so choose. This is still a free country, after all. It is entirely up to you to consider the risks involved and decide for yourself whether a little extra mileage is worth the potentially deadly consequences of failing to make an ostentatious display of your jingo- I mean PATRIOTism.
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READER'S SOAPBOX!
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Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want.
TOPIC: THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT SHALLOW GALS!
Care of: CHRIS FARA1
One of my greatest pleasures is watching fat and frightful females snarl at trashy tricks with cheap jeans hugged tightly around their perfect poopers. The compulsive materialism of the unattractive masses is a cultural phenomenon that makes a lot of sense. It's just a shame that people would rather buy into it than sit back and cheer while the label whores cover their pigskins with designer costumes.
This lashing may come as a shock to girls who have been hiding under materialism's colorful canopy for as long as daddy's dressed them. The truth of the fatter is that most men are only concerned with what's between the personality and the peripheral. Any hardbody in a clown suit will always get less laughs than a plumper in Prada. Bagging the girl is a lot more important than the bag that she's carrying, and that's just the damn truth.
It should be noted that there are some heterosexual men who are insanely interested in their girlfriends' gear. Putting this major character flaw aside, such men are still more concerned with the tit than the tag. A choice between a fatty in Fendi and a looker in Levis is sure to leave the former with the 501 blues.
Some of the foulest women search for wardrobe weaknesses in their sexier sisters. Many will even go as far as to direct their man's attention to a hot commodity in a cheesy outfit. On these occasions, guys are put in the unfortunate situation of having to pester at the piece of pie that they'd rather be poking. A lot of women are too disillusioned to realize that men only care about a pair of Jeans if they're double-teaming him. Spoiled and superficial hags should know that high rollers are no match for low riders when push comes to love.
If looks were meant to be judged by their covers, then we wouldn't be bombarded by naked chicks and blow jobs every time we logged on to the internet. Porno movies wouldn't be bigger than fake tits and there'd be a lot more Harpers than Hustlers circulating around fraternity houses. Pretentious women of all ages spend their worthless time parading around stores and malls in search of self-confidence, one of those priceless things that can't be disregarded or Mastercarded. They're the same losers who change outfits, cake on makeup, and read Vogue as if anyone gave a shit. See them cruising around in sport utility vehicles, chatting it up, and steering with open palms to avoid smudging their nails.
The issue at hand is one that so many men strangle on a regular basis. The lunch break secretary screw is a lot more than a housewife's fear and a virgin legend - it's a reality for millions of guys whose partners went supersize on the thighs since the pay rise. Pricey presents and lease payments are really just candy coated permission slips to point dicks at other chicks. A lot of these women opt for gaudier designer eyewear, which serves as more than just a social marker of the stupid. Versace frames blind so many people to the reality that they've become accessories themselves, just not as useful and a lot more expensive than the ones available at Bloomingdale's.
The true champions of this delusion are the designers, who are one step away from pushing paper bags for pocket books. Although it's become a common cliché to mock the Louis Vuitton toting tricknocrats, it's still amusing to watch them proudly haul their feces colored logo luggage around town. The handbag phenomenon is frightening, particularly in the case of girls who should be wearing them on their heads. The only men who look at bags are the lowlives who want to snatch them. Other than that, guys are just looking for the snatch itself.
Don't leave this grievance feeling bad for the fashion faux pasta eating cunts who empower designers' posh attitudes. They complain day spa in and night club out about the air-brushing and anorexia that makes insensitive guys write and say shit like this. Then they thoughtlessly throw away their paychecks and parents' dough to support the sponsors who make the madness possible. It's a crazy world when couture companies set the pace, and women actually begin to think that Gucci takes precedent to coochie.
- CHRIS FARA1
[The above tirade makes a lot more sense of you read it in a faux beatnick staccato and imagine a backing track of off-tempo bongo-slaps. - Jerky]
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Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky:
feedback@dailydirt.com
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